Into My Arms
by soapyraindrops
Summary: AU set when the girls are both 30. A never existed, Paige never came out and she never kissed Em and told her not to tell. But Paily is inevitable, right?
1. Chapter 1

**Hello all. So, new fic. This story just... bear with me with it. It's my first ever plot-driven fic and it's T for now but might eventually be M depending on how I feel. **

**It's AU and in it, A never existed. Ali did die but of natural causes when they were all 14. Emily came out of the closet of her own accord when she was ready, and that wasn't until she met Maya when she was 18. As a result, the "Don't tell" kiss never happened because Paige didn't realise Emily was gay until much later. **

**It's set many many years later when they're all 30. **

**Please review**

This morning is my first time back in Rosewood's public swimming pool since I left for college 12 years ago. It's actually the high school's pool and it's full of memories for me from my high school swim team days – this is the pool I earned my scholarships in, the one I trained in for years, the first place I really felt I was good at something. For 8 years, I'd been swimming at the gym opposite the flat I shared with my girlfriend in Chicago until we broke up 2 months ago. My one doubt about moving back to Rosewood was that there used to not be a public pool here, but thankfully the school decided to earn a few extra dollars by opening this one up to the public at weekends. I'm definitely going to be grateful as the weeks go by – I'm pretty sure I'd go mad if I couldn't swim at least twice a week. I took the first opportunity I could get back in the water – it's the first Saturday I've been back in Rosewood and I've arrived at the pool in time for them to open the doors in the morning.

Luckily for me, swimming has always calmed my mind and for the first time since I got back I am no longer worrying about the list of unsatisfying options for my future running through my mind. All I have to do is keep moving, keep sliding and let the water hold me up. I swim non-stop for a good 45 minutes, keeping a steady pace and barely noticing anyone around me. I'm in the empty fast-lane for most of it, grateful that most swimmers in Rosewood are elderly people trying to keep active and not serious swimmers like the ones at the gym back in Chicago. Towards the end, I am vaguely aware of a figure joining me in the fast-lane but whoever it is has the decency to stick to roughly my pace and touches down at the opposite end of the pool at the same time as me.

When I've had enough I come to a rest and lean back against the wall of the pool, pushing my goggles up to look around. Most of the elderly swimmers who were here when I started have left, replaced by one or two housewives in the middle lane. The mystery swimmer in my lane is making her way to my end of the pool and I wonder if she might be an old team-mate of mine; she's swimming very well and has good form as she slips through the water with ease. I start to feel uneasy when her form becomes uncomfortably familiar and she reaches me at the same time as I become certain of who it is. She comes to a halt beside me, rising up out of the water which tumbles off her face like something out of a Bond movie. I feel like my heart is in my mouth and my stomach is on the floor at the same time as she performs a double-take at me after taking her goggles off.

"Emily?" she asks, full of curious innocence.

"Hi, Paige" I say, trying to keep my cool. I haven't seen this girl since high school graduation; the last I heard she was in New York for college.

"I didn't know you were back in Rosewood."

"Yeah, I just got back on Monday. I'm staying with my parents for a little while." I say, avoiding her eye and hoping she's not about to ask me why.

"Oh. Well, looks like you've kept in shape. Most people in Rosewood can't keep up, I couldn't figure out who it was sharing my lane." She says, that old McCullers competitiveness evidently still present.

"Hah! That was nothing, just a relaxing morning swim." I say, striding easily into our old faux-arrogance. Paige smiles at me with the first real smile I've seen her give me in twelve years and for just a moment my heart soars. I keep myself in check though and try to not let it show just how pleased I am to see her and just how relieved I am that grown-up Paige isn't as scared of me as teenage Paige was.

"How long are you in town for?" she asks.

"I'm not sure. A while. What about you?"

"Oh, I live here. I moved back after college to be near family." She replies, leaning back against the pool wall with me. It feels very easy chatting to her like this, like old times. But then silence falls and she doesn't seem particularly interested in continuing our conversation and I cannot for the life of me figure out something interesting to say next. She looks like she wants to keep swimming but doesn't know how to get out of this awkward situation without being rude so I offer her a way out.

"Sorry, did you want to carry on swimming? I'm pretty much done anyway, I was just gonna go have a shower."

Paige nods and looks away, clearly grateful that she can get back to her morning workout. I silently kick myself for being so pleased to see her since clearly nothing has changed after all and I want nothing more than to get away from Paige now before I do my fragile emotions any more damage.

"Okay, well maybe I'll see you around?" I say, more out of politeness than a genuine belief that we'll be friendly next time we see each other.

"Yeah, I'm sure we will. It was good bumping into you." She replies back just as perfunctorily. I nod and climb out of the pool, making my way hastily to the changing rooms. I take a long hot shower and wash my hair with an assortment of shampoos and conditioners specially picked out to prevent my hair from being too damaged by the chlorine – I've found it's a lot of effort but the end result is worth it. I get dressed quickly but then have to spend a disproportionate amount of time drying my hair until it's wavy and glossy like usual. Just as I am about to finish Paige walks in, squeezing the excess water out of her hair. She comes to a halt as she sees me, clearly surprised that it's a good hour later and I still have not finished getting changed. She gives me a fake smile – one that unfortunately I know very well – and walks over to open her locker. It occurs to me as I watch her that we have both accidentally used the same lockers we did when we were at school. Actually, I suspect that Paige never stopped using that. I frown at myself in the mirror and wonder why on earth I care about the lockers when she clears her throat and turns to me.

"Hey, Emily, I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go for a catch up coffee sometime? I'd like to know what you've been up to." I am wary now because Paige doesn't seem to have changed at all – she's still giving me mixed signals, sometimes seeming keen, other times seeming to want nothing to do with me but I am helpless under those big brown eyes and of course I say yes. She starts talking about times and locations and somehow we agree to meet at my old coffee shop at 2pm this afternoon and then Paige is gone, disappeared in the direction of the showers. I am left standing there like a lemon, still holding the hairdryer I have long since finished with. I put it down and gather my things before making a bee-line for my car and driving home as quick as I can.

The rest of my morning is spent fretting about the afternoon. I don't want to get into a fight with Paige but I've never managed to understand exactly what it was that went on between us and I'm seriously curious to find out. I also realise that I have no idea what she has been up to since she went to New York and I remember that I care about her a lot and I hope she's happy, so when I arrive at the Brew I am full of curiosity and hope and totally open to whatever I'm about to find out.

I spot her sitting at her favourite table, early as usual, nursing a latte. I wave at her and go to the counter to get my own drink, thankful that the barista doesn't know me or try to engage in conversation. I sit down next to her and the awkwardness returns as we realise that neither of us know where to start.

"So…" we both say at the same time, breaking the silence and falling over each other in the effort.

"You first." she says.

"No, you first," I say.

"But I was just going to ask what you have been doing since high school, so really it's you going first." She makes a good argument so I fill her in. I tell her about college, about my 8 year stint as a PA in Chicago, about my 8 year relationship with a girl I met at the end of college that just fell apart. I tell her that I'm in Rosewood staying with my parents to get back on my feet again. I tell her far too much considering the fact that we haven't been friends since we were 18 but for some reason I want to open up to her. I spent such a long time not telling her the important things when we were kids and it had such disastrous results that I just want to be an open book for her now. I keep talking until I get embarrassed and feel like she must think I like the sound of my own voice and finally I brave a question of my own.

"So what about you, McCullers? What have you been up to?" I feel like I've asked the question innocently enough and she dips her head like she does in my memories and looks bashful before answering.

"It's Ackard now, actually." She says simply, not meeting my eyes. I have no idea what she means.

"Sorry?"

"Ackard. Paige Ackard. Not McCullers." My mind rushes at a million miles a minute as I process this. Paige is married, married to a man whose surname is Ackard. Sean, I think. Hanna's ex. Paige has married Sean Ackard.

I've never been very good at hiding my emotions but for once I am desperate to keep a straight face, to react the way anyone might when they find out their old best friend is happily married. But in reality I feel like the ground has been swept away from under my feet and I have a sudden hatred for the guy I always thought was so nice and, nastily, I think that _Paige Ackard_ has a horrible ring to it and then I feel terribly guilty for projecting my own fantasies onto her. What was I thinking?

I recover enough to smile and politely inquire as to how that came about – I never knew they knew each other. Paige informs me that they always knew each other because Sean is the minister's son and her father has always been involved in the Church and after she moved back from NYC their parents set them up on a date and… yeah… they got married 4 years ago. I try so hard to wrap my head around it and continue to ask normal questions.

"Kids?" I say nonchalantly, although really I am very curious. Part of me desperately wants to believe that Paige is happy, and I'm sure she'll make a great Mom, but part of me knows it's gonna sting if the answer is yes.

"No, not yet. Sean wants them soon but I'm not really ready." For some reason I take comfort in that although I am not sure why at all and then I completely run out of things to say. I sit there in silence, a fake smile plastered on my face. Paige takes a deep breath and launches into something it seems like she has wanted to say all afternoon.

"Look, Emily, I'm really sorry for what happened between us in school. I said a lot of very hurtful things and it took me a long time to realise that I had no reason to say them."

"It's okay," I say in a very small voice because even though she does owe me an apology, this is not the one I want to hear.

"No, Emily, it's really not. Actually, it was Sean who made me realise how wrong I'd been about you. About the whole thing and I thought about it a lot after we got together and I've been meaning to get in touch with you to say sorry but I never got around to it. So anyway, I am sorry. I don't really think any of the things I said to you and it was unfair of me to treat you any different for being who you are." Paige sounds very level headed as she lets it all out and I suppose in a way I am grateful. I nod and smile at her, and then try to sound genuine as I accept her apology.

I suddenly feel very down about the whole experience because it fully crushes any hope I have that the homophobia Paige directed at me when I came out was secretly because she felt for me what I felt for her. It seems like it was just simple homophobia and now she's over it because Sean – sweet, good-natured Sean – has turned her into a moderate. I should feel happy. I should feel vindicated that this high school friend of mine has finally accepted who I am and that, as they say, it got better.

So why do I feel heartbroken? I guess it's because this finally answers the questions I've always had about Paige, and puts my feelings squarely in the unrequited box. We finish our coffees in relative comfort as we talk about this and that – how the town has changed, what Aria, Spencer and Hanna are up to these days – until Paige glances at her watch and remembers she's supposed to be meeting Sean in half an hour. We say our goodbyes and go our separate ways and I try, desperately, to forget all about Paige Ackard.


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow guys, thanks for the reviews/favs/follows. Really makes me excited for writing the rest of it. **

**Cici, Sazar and MindFullofStories - yeah, the name is cringeworthy isn't it? It looks so so wrong. Paige Awkward? Never thought of that, but very apt!**

**Cici and Del - Emily is scared of Paige for good reason and i'm hoping this chapter will explain a lot of it. **

**Everyone else - please bear with Paige and the story. I know she is coming across as a not very nice person at the moment and if you'll remember that is how we first met her in season 1 but look at where she is now - she's Batman! So in this, I promise that she gets better. **

**And finally - special thanks to anotheranonymousartist for encouraging me and proofing this. **

**Enjoy...**

The following day I go back to the pool early in the morning and hope that Paige does not decide to turn up again. I am on high alert the entire time, though, and when I get to the end of my normal 45 minute swim a very stupid part of me decides to spend an extra fifteen minutes there just in case. It's so crazy of me to hope she's not there and then try to make it happen anyway but I never said that I was a rational human being.

When it starts to get late, I force myself to get out of the pool and go through my usual hour long shower/hair drying routine. Paige doesn't turn up in the end and I leave, wondering whether she has actively decided to go in the evenings because she knows I will go in the mornings. After the pool I go home and have Sunday lunch with my parents. My Mom has cooked a special meal as it's my first Sunday back home and part of me feels like a massive failure for being 30 and living at home. I am aware that I haven't lived at home since I was 18 and that this is only temporary but I still wish things hadn't ended up this way. I think about all the stupid choices I've made in my life to end up here, all the sacrifices I made to be with my most recent ex to the detriment of my career that meant I was left with nothing when it fell apart. I start thinking about what I'm going to do next until my Dad notices and, as usual, jumps in to rescue me.

"Honey, don't beat yourself up," he says to me in that way he has, like he knows exactly what I'm thinking. I fake smile at him and my Mom looks awkward because, no doubt, they've talked about my recent funk and haven't agreed on a way to go about fixing me yet. "I was thinking we could go through all your old stuff in the garage today, Em. It's been sitting there for years and I've been meaning to clear it out."

My Dad knows that the best way to sort me out is to make me physically active so clearing out the garage is a perfect distraction. I nod enthusiastically and we eat dessert which, as usual, is excellent. After, we change into sweatpants and baggy t-shirts and begin lugging boxes around and peering into them, hoping no family of mice have moved in. We sort through old trophies, old year books, notebooks, novels, a box full of goggles I had apparently decided at some point to make a collection out of (teenagers do the weirdest things). We find my old pairs of Converse All Stars and I squeal happily at them, like they're old friends, but my Dad insists that I really do not need a box of battered shoes and I reluctantly throw them out.

We're making good progress when he comes across a box full of smaller, prettier boxes and I realise it's my box of letters. I have kept pretty much every hand-written letter I have ever received and filed them away into sub-categories for safe-keeping. There's a Spencer, Aria and Hanna box – this one will be full of ease and silliness and good memories. There's an Ali box – this one has plenty of silliness and ease in content too, but is sad to read anyway because they abruptly end when we're 14. There's a boring one full of letters from family, and a box labelled Maya St Germain. And then there's a Paige McCullers one, and when I see it I know that as soon as I am alone I will be reading those letters because I am a sucker for punishment. I spend the rest of the afternoon trying to sort as quickly as possible because I really want to read those letters in private – not just the ones from Paige but especially the ones from my three best friends because they are sure to cheer me up. I throw out a lot of stuff and feel pretty good about it by the time we're done, make my excuses and head up to my bedroom to tuck myself into my window seat with a blanket.

I read Spencer's first, because they are hilarious without meaning to be. Then I read Aria's which are sometimes kind of boring and at around the 18 years-old mark become essentially a love story named Ezra Fitz. Hanna's are hilarious too but they at least are supposed to be, and they're often written with the express intention of cheering me up so I read them with delight. I decide to skip Ali and Maya's because I really don't want to confuse myself even further but with the recent developments I really cannot resist reading Paige's.

The first is from when we are 13 and it's quite short and to the point. She wrote it not long after we became friends because I asked her to write me a letter to read on the plane I was taking to go visit my dad. I had asked all of my friends to write me something to read as I tended to get nervous when going to see him, always thinking the worst of what I would find when I got there. I found that the letters were a really good way of distracting myself. This is Paige's effort.

_Hey Emily, don't really know what to say in this letter for ya. I know you said you wanted something funny to make you laugh so here goes:_

_Why are pirates called pirates?_

_Because they arrrrr!_

_Okay, that was totally lame I know but I dunno what else to say. I hope you have a great trip anyways and enjoy seeing your dad. Paige xx_

I smile at the memory of reading it for the first time on the plane. It did actually make me laugh, largely because of how bad the joke was and because I could imagine Paige struggling to write it before putting that in to make sure that she at least had something to say.

I read through a few other letters, some that were meant to be read on the plane, others that were spontaneous and I can see our friendship growing. By the time we're sixteen she's rambling on at me in her letters for pages about absolutely nothing at all, occasionally dropping in sentences that confused me at the time and still confuse me now.

_Because don't you think it's so weird that we have such a strong connection and at first we didn't even like each other at all? Sometimes I think about why I didn't like you and it's so weird because, really, what's not to like?_

I remember vividly now our first meeting and I cannot help but smile about it even though it was horrible. It was so silly; we became enemies at first blush. It was a normal Monday morning in the middle of the Fall semester and in walked Paige with her severe bangs and her head low and introduced herself to our teacher at the front of the classroom. She was placed at the desk behind me and, being the lovely creature that I was at the time, I turned around at the first opportunity to introduce myself. For some reason that I never found out, she took an instant dislike to me and was incredibly rude, making that awful face that teenage girls make when they don't like something. I was so taken aback that I was speechless and blushed furiously red and forgot to defend myself or try to charm her in any way. After that, she continued to be rude to me and I gave as good as I got – I never talked about why with my friends but for the next year insisted to anyone who asked that I thought that Paige McCullers girl was really mean.

The next sentence that stands out to me is in the letter directly after the last, which I notice is a reply to one I sent.

_Actually, on that subject Em, I was thinking about when it was exactly that we became friends. I know it was when we both joined the swim team but what do you think did it? I remember seeing you in the pool and being so impressed by you that I completely forgot we were supposed to be enemies. _

I stare at that last line and wonder again what it was about me - other than my times - that she was so impressed by. I remember looking at that line aged 16 and wondering if she was impressed by me in the same way I was impressed by her. At the time I hoped against hope that she was and that maybe she was trying to hint at me but now, well, I guess it was wishful thinking.

I read through the rest of our glory days and each letter has an odd sentence or two that taken out of context could be romantic. By seventeen she is positively gushing about how much she adores me, about how glad she is that we are the best of friends, about how she feels like she can tell me anything. I know now that she actually did tell me everything – there was no big secret crush that she wouldn't admit. And then I get to us aged 18 and the letter that I have been dreading but the one I know I cannot resist is next and I see the smudged ink and the frayed edges and I can pretty much recite it from memory but I read it anyway.

_Emily, _

_I really don't know what to say. I don't know how I can see you in the same way ever again. It's just so wrong, it's always been something I felt was wrong and I feel like that Maya girl is just taking advantage of you. On the one hand I am so worried about you because I really care about you and I want you to be safe but on the other I cannot sit by and watch you do something that I know deep down is wrong. _

_Emily, please consider what this means for your life. Please think about the hard decisions you are gonna have to make if you continue down this road. You won't be able to lead a normal life (isn't that what you want?) and what will your family think? Have you thought about that? Have you thought about God, either, because He thinks it's wrong too. I was thinking about this earlier and I think if you wanted to try to change my father could help you, he knows some people who have had the same problem and have managed to turn it around and be normal again. I really want to help you and get back the Emily I know. _

_But I've also got to tell you that if you don't want to change or if you really feel like this is you then I cannot continue to be your friend. My Father wouldn't allow it for starters and I can't disobey him. And although in a way this will make me incredibly sad because (here there is a line or two of scribbled out writing that is almost impossible to read until...) __you are my best friend and I don't want to lose you, there is no other option for me. _

_So I guess this is goodbye for now and I hope you will make the right decision. Please know how hard this is for me. _

_All the best, _

_Paige McCullers_

I look at the section that has been scribbled out so well that I can barely read it. I spent an awful lot of time in the past trying to decipher it and I'm pretty sure I know what each word is. It says:

_you are the only person who has ever known the real me and the only one who has ever seen past the wall I put up for everyone else_

I think about that section and still wonder who exactly the real Paige McCullers was and what the hell she meant by it. Now that I know she's truly straight I can put aside any thoughts that it's because she was secretly a big homo and as soon as I think that I feel myself getting angry and sad. Paige was just a bigot all along and I was a fool for reading into things again and again.

I think back to how I reacted at the time. I was pretty angry then too and horrified that I had chosen Paige as the first person to tell my secret to. The weird thing for me was that several years before we had had a conversation about homosexuality and both decided it wasn't something we would judge other people over. I seriously thought she would be fine about it – actually, I thought she might turn around and say "me too" – so receiving that letter came as a huge shock. And then I don't understand how, if you truly are scared for someone's safety, you would cut ties with them completely – surely if you were genuine about what you were saying you would try to stick around to make sure they were okay?

I sat on it for two days before Spencer realised something was up and forced it out of me. I told her the whole thing – my first kiss with Maya, my true feelings for Paige, the fact that I'd known I liked girls for pretty much ever, my slight crush on Ali and then I broke down and choked out everything that Paige had said. Spencer reacted in classic Hastings fashion and offered to destroy Paige for me if I wanted, reassuring me at the same time that she at least didn't think I was wrong to my core. I was so grateful to her in that moment that I knew we'd be friends forever and ever since she has been the one I turn to when it comes to Paige. I came out to Aria and Hanna the same day and received the sort of response I'd expected from Paige – they both essentially said that I was Emily their friend regardless of who I was dating and that they were glad I was comfortable enough to be honest with them.

It's evening by the time I finish thinking all this through and my Mom calls up to me to remind me that we are going to the movies in half an hour. I try to shake off my lingering resentment over Paige and decide that the old way is probably the best way. I call Spencer and arrange to see her for lunch tomorrow, knowing that she at least will be able to see all of this objectively.


	3. Chapter 3

**del, Cici and Nae10 - you will just have to wait and see if Paige is telling the truth about how she feels. None of it is going to be from her POV apart from any letters she might send so it's all what she chooses to tell Emily. I'm not saying anything else.**

**pailylover - the letter is definitely written by Paige. All the letters are written by the people Emily thinks they are written by. **

**Hope you enjoy the chapter. More coming soon. **

I meet Spencer the next day at a little coffee shop down the street from her workplace in Philadelphia. As one would expect from a Hastings, she has done very well for herself and made partner in her law firm last year. She was unbearably smug about it for a while but I think we can forgive her considering she's spent the last 29 years working her ass off to get what she wants. I admire her, really, because she has the sort of focus I've never managed to develop as far as my academic or professional life is concerned.

She walks in wearing a grey power suit with a pencil skirt and looks as sharp and impressive as ever. Every time I see her these days I have to resist the urge to tell her she looks like her Mom did when we were kids because Spencer can be pretty scary when she's pissed at you. She pulls me into a tight hug even though she already saw me the day after I got back to Rosewood so it's not like we've been separated for long. I appreciate the hug anyway and recognise the familiar smell of Spencer Hastings – coffee, the same perfume that she has worn since she was 14 and success. She gets the coffee and sneakily grabs a cake to share and we sit in the corner to catch up.

"So what's up, Em? It's not every Sunday you call me out of the blue and demand that I give you advice."

Now that I am here I can almost not bring myself to say it – Spencer spent a lot of our eighteenth year hearing about Paige and Maya and her line was always that I should give up on Paige and focus on the girl who actually wanted to be with me. The fact that Maya ran just as hot and cold as Paige was never something Spencer registered, much to my frustration. She looks at me expectantly and sips her coffee-with-two-extra-shots. I force myself to start as I mean to go on.

"I bumped into Paige the other day at the pool." I say. Spencer looks totally surprised that this is where I am going – the last time we saw each other I spent a lot of time talking about my failed relationship so I guess she thought it would be more of the same.

"Paige McCullers?"

"No, actually, Paige Ackard. She married Sean." I say, probably looking just as awkward as I feel.

"Seriously? I always thought he was gay after the way things went down with Hanna," she says and of course she has no idea that that really does not help my current frame of mind. I quickly fill her in and tell her about our coffee meeting after the pool and about re-reading her letter and how I feel sort of angry at her.

"I don't blame you, Em. We all stood by you and didn't let stupid prejudices get in the way and look how it turned out – we're all just as close as ever. That girl couldn't put your feelings in front of her stupid obsession with pleasing her father. I never understood why you liked her in the first place." Spencer's line hasn't changed in 12 years, I see.

"I know you didn't," I say in quite a small voice because we've been through this before, "you never knew her like I did."

"Yeah, I guess not. But I think maybe a lot of what you thought you knew about her was wishful thinking?"

"No, it wasn't like that. We did have a genuine friendship, even she admits that. We had so much fun and talked about everything and she was different around me. Softer. Less defensive." I say, feeling awful because now I am remembering all the good things about being with Paige and thinking about the two dozen times we'd fallen asleep together and how warm and comfortable that had been.

"Okay but even so – talk about fair-weather friend. Once things got a bit difficult she bailed and we had to pick up the pieces."

I don't have anything to say to that so I keep quiet.

"What are you thinking?" she asks.

"Lots of things," I say, "but I think I just want to finally put it to rest and move on. I kind of wish she wasn't in Rosewood actually because I don't want to bump into her anywhere."

"Yeah, I understand that. I guess you'll have to be civil with her and not let it get to you. She apologised, you know where you stand and that can be the end of it."

I don't reply again because what's really going through my mind right now is that I kind of want to get into a fight with Paige about the whole thing and take back my acceptance of her apology.

"I mean, the thing is, I begged her, Spencer. I begged her to be my friend again. I was so sad when she said she couldn't stand to be my friend and I was so scared of losing her. I just couldn't let her go, not after losing Ali the way we did. But she was so adamant about it and even though I pretended to not believe it, I honestly thought it was because she had feelings for me. And now I find out she's just a cold-hearted bitch. I feel like shouting at her!" I say, uncharacteristically angry. Spencer looks at me with such open sympathy that I feel sick for a moment – one thing I don't need is her pity.

"Em," she says and I look at her and she realises that she has no idea what she was about to say. She pauses for a moment to think before coming up with something, "you could say something to her but I don't think it's going to get you anywhere, she's just going to say sorry again and you're gonna both feel upset about it and nothing will have changed. She can't go back and change anything and you have to let it go."

Spencer's right, I suppose. As far as Paige knows, the apology she gave me the other day was pretty simple and I accepted it without much fuss. If I bring it up again she might end up asking why I've suddenly changed my tune and I guess I don't want to be in a position where I might have to admit anything to her. I resign myself to putting the whole thing to rest for good (again) and thank Spencer for hearing me out.

"It's okay, Em, that's what friends are for," she smiles at me, "and besides, you've had to listen to all my boy drama too. It's a reciprocal relationship." With that, the subject changes and we talk about the new guy in her life. As usual he's not what you might expect of a Hastings – her parents have never understood why she always goes for the carpenters and ball boys – but she just can't resist them. This one is an artist, which makes a change, a guy she met at a museum opening in the city and ended up back in his loft with after one too many glasses of champagne. We talk it through until her coffee is drained and she thinks she should probably get back to work. She gives me another hug before she leaves and I can sense she hopes I have taken what she said to heart – I'm sure she doesn't want to be hearing the same things all over again next week. Just as she's about to walk out of the door she turns to me one last time.

"You know you're worth a lot more than her, don't you Emily? Even if she had wanted you back, she never deserved you," she says, shaking her head slightly.

I fake-smile at her but can't bring myself to respond because, truthfully, I don't believe her even a little bit.

Later in the afternoon I decide to go for a run in the hope that it will clear my head. Usually I would swim but with the pool only open to the public at weekends, I have to resort to the woods. These woods are pretty familiar to me as they were a regular hang out with my friends when we were growing up. I think this was the location of our first foray into the world of alcohol too, and it's possible we ended up stumbling around in the dark frightened out of our wits by the spookiness of the woods at night. At any rate, there's a regular trail I can run and I have plenty of excess energy so I'm off with a spring in my step.

It works for a while and I can feel my mind clearing as I breathe in the crisp Fall air with my feet pounding the ground in time to the music blaring in my ears. It all comes falling down when I turn a corner and nearly crash face-first into none other than Paige Ackard née McCullers. Great, I think, she would be running at the same time as me. Just my friggin' luck. We swerve out of the way of each other and both manage not to fall over. She smiles at me as she regains her breath and my brain goes completely blank as I take in the sight of her in her jogging gear covered in sweat. We're both officially in our thirties now and I guess some of our peers are starting to let themselves go a bit, especially the ones with kids, but Paige is in great shape. She's wearing black lycra running shorts and a figure-hugging sports shirt that shows off her well-defined arms and the curve at her waist. I realise that I am staring at the same time as I realise that I am supposed to be mad at her and force myself to look away.

"Hey, didn't see you there," she says, "how's it going?"

I hastily try to regain composure and tell her I'm fine but all of the anger of the past few days starts to boil to the surface as I fight the urge to ask her what the hell kind of person she is. She is completely oblivious and looking at me like I am just an old school buddy she was fond of once.

"It was nice catching up with you, Emily. If you are in town for a while it'd be good to see more of you. There are so few of the old crowd around these days…" she says, still oblivious. I search desperately for a way to say no without being rude but resort in the end to my usual method of simply not replying. The silence becomes so awkward in the end that I cannot stand it and my brain yells at me to stop talking as I reply.

"Yeah, you're right. That would be nice," I inwardly cringe as I say it but then Paige looks so genuinely happy that I forget how betrayed I felt 10 minutes ago. She seems different to the Paige I remember when last we were friends. The fear she seemed to feel when it came to me is no longer there and she appears so grown up that I wonder whether this new Paige might actually be someone I could be friends with in the same way I am friends with Spencer, Aria and Hanna. Look, I know that 30 seconds ago I was checking her out and that I don't do that with my other straight friends as a rule but old habits die hard.

She starts jogging on the spot to keep her heart-rate up and asks if I'd like to join her on her run since she sometimes gets kind of lonely running alone. I wonder for a minute if Sean ever runs with her and wish, as I have often wished over the years, that I could just say no to people easier. I turn my iPod off and shove my earphones into my sweatpants pocket, mentally kicking myself for getting into this situation.

"I wonder if you'll keep up," Paige says to me with a twinkle in her eye. Ah, I think, there's the Paige I remember. I can't help but slip into my old role too.

"Paige, you don't need to wonder – you'll be eating my dust soon enough," I reply, my lips curling into a small, but definitely real, smile.

"Yeah, right," she says as she takes off with no warning in the direction I was going. I curse myself for letting her get away with a head start and set off in hot pursuit. She's fast, I think, maybe a little too fast and although I put on a spurt of speed at the start to catch up with her I cannot maintain her pace. I soon start to fall behind and that makes everything even worse as I am now essentially chasing her ass, which I can't help but notice is perfectly toned. I try to look at anything and everything else but seriously, the woman is hot and I am only human. I'm pretty red in the face already from exertion but I'm pretty sure even standing still there'd be a pink blush creeping up my cheeks from this view. She glances back at me and I try to pretend that I wasn't looking and she grins at me wickedly. I think for a minute she's caught me out but then she starts to taunt me.

"What was that about eating your dust, Fields?" she has a very fair point and I know there's no use arguing.

"Yeah, you're clearly fitter than me. Well done. How often do you run, anyway?" I ask, puffing slightly. To my increasing annoyance Paige isn't even struggling at all.

"Every day. You?"

"Um… not often enough apparently!" Surprisingly, I don't feel that bad about this whole thing. Paige is being perfectly nice and relaxed with me and the run is doing my head good, even if it is interrupted by wildly inappropriate thoughts about my new friend's backside. She slows down for me and we jog in amiable silence until we reach a little section of woods I have completely forgotten about. A small stream flows across the jogging track in the densest part of the woods. There's a rickety old bridge that runs across it allowing joggers to pass without getting their sneakers wet and it looks positively gorgeous covered in brown and gold leaves with the Fall sun shining down on it through the trees. I come to a stop to admire it and Paige continues on before realising I have disappeared and comes to a stop herself half-way across the bridge. She turns back to look at me and my heart drops into my stomach because she is one seriously beautiful woman. As I stare at her with my mouth open I know for sure that regardless of whether we are friends, I am never going to look at her the same way I look at Spencer or Hanna.

"What's wrong?" she asks, "you look like you're upset."

"I'm fine. Don't worry about it, let's carry on," I say hastily. My brain is swirling around and I cannot deal with a conversation with her so I start to jog again and hope she gets the message. I catch up without looking at her and we fall in line again leaving the bridge behind.

We complete a full circuit in silence after that and reach the clearing where our cars are parked. I'm pretty out of breath and Paige is a little bit too, although annoyingly she takes almost no time to recover and starts stretching against the hood of her car in a way that I swear is an attempt at teasing me. I look away and do my own stretches, mentally berating myself for thinking like a teenage boy. I try to focus on my stretches and manage to keep my eyes to myself for the majority until I let my guard down for one moment and sneakily glance at her. I am shocked to discover that she is openly looking at me as she stretches, although she quickly turns her head away as soon as our eyes meet. My head now spins even faster as I try to keep everything in perspective and convince myself that I must not read anything into that. She's probably looking out of normal, heterosexual curiosity although I notice that there is a blush in her cheeks now that wasn't there before.

I shake my head at myself and force that stupid part of my brain that insists there's a connection to shut the hell up. This is only going to end in me getting hurt if I keep doing this and I have far bigger fish to fry than Paige Ackard née McCullers as far as sorting my life out is concerned. I cannot get distracted. I finish my stretches and turn to say my goodbyes.

"What about tomorrow? Are you free for a run then too, same time same place?" Paige asks me as I am about to open my mouth.

"Um, no. I've got plans," I say, even though I haven't.

"Oh okay. Well what about a movie in the evening or something?" she asks and again she looks at me with those big brown eyes and the bashful look on her face that I have always been incapable of resisting – even when it got me into trouble – and I find myself saying yes. We settle on meeting at the movie theatre at 7.30 tomorrow night and I get into my car wondering how the hell I went from pissed as hell at her to giddy with joy that I am getting to see her again soon.

Nothing about this is going to end well.


	4. Chapter 4

**HungryOwlTavern - Yes, the title is inspired by the Nick Cave song. I don't think Emily would really listen to that sort of music but if she did she might realise, deep down, that that song exactly describes how she feels for Paige in this fic. Just sayin'.**

**Glorymania + Guest who mentioned Emily as a homewrecker - Yeah, I don't like the idea of her cheating either. I hope you'll stick with the story because if anything does happen it's not going to be a simple case of them going around behind Sean's back. This story is going to build very slowly and I hope by the end you'll be comfortable with how things go. **

**Everyone else - as already mentioned, this story is going to be a slow build. By the looks of things it's going to be 11 chapters long and it takes place over several months. Paige won't let her guard down easily around Emily, if indeed she feels anything at all. So no impulse kisses in the cinema for now :(**

**I hope you stick with it and enjoy anyway because i think you'll like the way it ends. **

Seven thirty pm comes around excruciatingly slowly the next day. I spend the morning shopping with my Mom in preparation for Thanksgiving. It's still a week away but she likes to be prepared and get as much done in the week beforehand as possible. In the afternoon I try to put some effort into researching possible career paths for me but my mind can't concentrate on it with my friend-date hanging over my head. By 4pm I give up and start planning what I am going to wear. Usually, I'm not the most fashion-conscious of females. I like to look good and sometimes I make the effort to go ultra-femme but mostly I hang around in simple, classic ensemble pieces.

I know it's stupid to think like this but I really want to look good for Paige tonight and my crazy brain keeps telling me that she would prefer me in my ultra-femme get up. I wonder whether my little purple dress is a step too far and throw out the idea when I remember that the last time I wore it out around straight people I got chatted up by 7 different guys, much to my girlfriend's annoyance. She _was_ holding my hand at the time, after all. I spend a ridiculous amount of time looking through the clothes that I have only just unpacked and can't decide whether I want to show my legs or my boobs off tonight. At 5 Spencer calls me and asks me what I am up to and I lie through my teeth because there is no way I am admitting to her that I am A) going out with Paige tonight and B) spending any significant time thinking about what to wear. I'm also definitely not going to mention how nervous I am about it because I don't want her to drive over to Rosewood and lock me in her trunk until I stand Paige up. After I satisfy her curiosity that I am doing nothing tonight, she hangs up and I decide on the boobs and opt for a pair of figure-hugging jeans and a shirt that clings tightly around my waist and is meant to be only half buttoned up, allowing a view of my cleavage to anyone who wants to look. It's not ultra-femme in the end but I think I look okay. Trouble is it's now 6 o'clock and I'm ready to leave the house a full hour early. I sit in the kitchen with my mother and try to pretend I'm not nervous as hell.

When I get to the theatre it's 7.29 and exactly one minute later Paige turns up. We go into the theatre where it is suddenly very warm and she takes her coat off allowing me to notice that she's wearing a very feminine top that sits lopsided and reveals one of her shoulders. It's creamy white, muscly and toned and when she turns to me I forget how to speak for half a minute. She asks how I am and I open my mouth to reply but can't find the words.

"Um, uhh…."

"Emily?"

"Oh, um, I'm fine," I finally spit out, "how are you?"

"Yeah I'm good. What did you want to see?" she asks, turning towards the theatre listings. There's quite a lot to choose from but in the end it turns out that there is only one film that neither of us have seen already. It's the newest remake of _Cheaper By The Dozen_ starring all 12 of the Jolie-Pitt children. It's been savagely panned by critics worldwide but we figure it might be a laugh so we buy two tickets, popcorn, sodas and a big bag of M&Ms and make our way inside. It's kind of awkward at first getting into our seats because we have to pass the snacks around and arrange our coats in a way that won't be uncomfortable and figure out who gets to put their arm where on the arm rest. Eventually Paige puts her arm at the front and I put my elbow at the back and I'm very keenly aware that if we stay like this we are going to be touching for the entire movie.

I take a sip of my soda as the lights go down and the trailers start and Paige passes me the popcorn without looking at me like she remembers our teenage routine of finishing half each and then swapping instead of passing them back and forth like most normal people do. It feels very weird to be back here with her knowing that I am definitely not supposed to be feeling any of the things I feel and yet it's also kind of comforting in its familiarity. She stares at the screen and chomps her way through the M&Ms like she's starving and I whisper to her in the darkness.

"Did you not eat any dinner?"

"I forgot." She whispers back and I remember that I forgot too, although no doubt for entirely different reasons. The movie starts but I don't take any of it in. It's pretty terrible but I can't honestly say it's the movie's fault for not keeping my attention. I can still feel Paige's arm against my elbow and I keep stealing little glances at her face, which is lit by the screen in a way that highlights her lips and her cute button nose. She's completely oblivious to my glances and has barely taken her eyes off the screen, cringing along with the rest of the theatre at the terrible screenplay and equally terrible acting. About a quarter of the way through she leans over and whispers again.

"Swap?"

It takes me another moment to realise she's talking about the snacks and I look down at the popcorn and feel my face flushing. I have completely forgotten to eat any of it but I pass it over and am relieved when she doesn't notice and simply carries on eating. I force myself to eat some of the M&Ms and watch the movie until Paige shifts and takes her arm off the rest so that we lose contact. I take my arm away too in case it was making her uncomfortable and glance at her again. This time she is looking at me and she smiles like she's happy to see me and I am so glad that it's dark in here because I must be blushing a deep shade of scarlet under that smile. She turns back to the screen and continues munching her way through the popcorn while Maddox Jolie-Pitt explains the importance of making time for family in this modern world to his oblivious parents. Ange breaks down crying and Brad promises not to work so much in future and then it's Thanksgiving and all 14 of them sit around the table together with a vegetarian turkey-substitute in the middle. If I had actually been concentrating on the film I'm pretty sure I'd want to vomit by now but all my head can do is think about Paige and hope for a little bit more contact.

The movie ends and I can feel the entire theatre sigh in relief. We get our stuff together and make our way out as we discuss what, if anything, we are going to do next. She suggests ice cream and I tell her she's nuts for wanting ice cream in November so we decide on hot chocolate instead. When we've bought them she asks if I'm staying at my Mom's house and explains that she lives a little further out of town and has to walk past my Mom's to get home anyway. We start walking in that direction and the conversation turns to our families.

"My Dad got diagnosed with arthritis in his leg a few years ago and was given an honorary discharge. I keep joking I'm gonna buy him a cane for Christmas this year but he won't have it." I tell her.

"I bet your Mom's happy he's home at least?"

"Yeah, she wakes up happy every day. He pretends he's not in as much pain as he is because he knows how happy she is that she always knows he's safe. How are your family?" I ask. She looks uncomfortable before answering.

"Um, I guess my Mom's okay at the moment. My Dad died the year I graduated, that's why I moved back here."

"Oh, Paige, I'm so sorry!" I feel horrified that I have just told her how awesome it is to know my Dad is always alive and well.

"It's okay, seriously. It was really hard at the time but that was a while ago now."

"What happened?"

"He had pancreatic cancer. It all happened so fast," she says and I remember that pancreatic cancer is considered the silent killer because you don't find out about it until it's too late, "my Mom kind of fell apart afterward so I stuck around to make sure she was okay. Then Sean came along and we sort of got stuck in Rosewood. He doesn't really want to leave anyway."

There's an awkward silence before Paige finishes.

"My Dad always liked Sean…"

I don't say anything because my feelings towards Nick McCullers and Sean Ackard are somewhat ambivalent at the moment.

"So anyway…" she says, clearly wanting to change the subject. I think fast.

"Oh, I don't know what you do. Are you working?" I ask.

"Yeah, you'll never guess as what."

"Tell me?"

"Haha, I'm a teacher!" she says proudly.

"No way!" I say. This I find hard to believe.

"Yeah, I teach at Rosewood Middle School."

"What do you teach?" she looks bashful again and mumbles her reply. "sorry, I can't hear you?" I ask teasingly.

"Gym. Well, mainly I teach woodshop but I double as their swim coach. I'm only part-time"

I whoop with delight because, really, if Paige McCullers was going to teach anything, what else would it be? She tells me off for laughing at her and does her best to look dignified as she drinks her hot chocolate. We have reached my corner now and exchange goodbyes. As I am walking towards my porch she calls over to me again.

"I forgot to ask you. The day after Thanksgiving, Sean makes a sort of Chinese noodle turkey evening with the leftovers. Would you like to come?"

I freeze and think of a way out of it.

"Um…. I think I'm supposed to be seeing Hanna and Caleb that night, actually." I say because, conveniently, it is true.

"Why don't you invite them too? It's been ages since I've seen them. Although, do you think it would be awkward?"

"Why would it be awkward?" I ask quickly.

"Well, with Sean being Hanna's ex and all… I know that was, what, 14 years ago? You'd think they'd be over it by now."

My stomach turns to ice as she finishes her sentence and I feel like it's a low blow even though she probably wasn't aiming it at me. I had completely forgotten about Sean being Hanna's ex and thought for a minute she was asking if it would be awkward for me to be around Sean because of her. I feel stupid and like she is right by saying that we should all be over our high school crushes. I want to get away from her now as quickly as possible and figure the quickest way out is the easiest.

"Okay, I'll ask them." I say and smile awkwardly at her before turning in for the night.

The next day I call Hanna to ask if she wants to go. She squeals down the phone at me when I tell her that Paige married Sean until I have to hold the phone a few inches away from my ear.

"I swear he's gay!" she says when she stops squealing and returns to normal speaking volume. I don't reply. "Like seriously, when we were together, even making out hot and heavy he never _once_ got an erection."

I hear Caleb exclaiming in the background about not wanting to hear this but Hanna just carries on anyway.

"How did that even happen? I swear they must be each other's beards because-"

"Hanna!" I interrupt, "do you want to go or not?"

"Um, yes. Yeah it'll be fun, let's do it!" she says.

I sigh to myself as Hanna starts talking to Caleb about arrangements, apparently having forgotten that I am still on the phone. Eventually we finalise our plans and hang up and I ask myself how on earth I manage to keep ending up in situations like this.

Thanksgiving comes and goes without much fuss. My Mom makes so much food that we all end up in a food coma afterward and fall asleep really early in the evening. I wake up early the next day and my Mom insists that I take the rest of the pie over to Paige's with me for dessert. I meet up with Hanna for a catch up coffee at the Brew first and then Caleb picks us up and we drive over to the Ackard's in a nervous silence.

We are greeted warmly at the door by Paige who kisses all three of us on the cheek like a proper housewife and accepts my mother's pie with grace. Sean emerges from what I assume is the kitchen wearing an apron that says "World's Best Husband" on it and grins at us.

"Hey guys, how's it going?" he says, leading us into the kitchen where a huge wok-full of noodles, turkey and the leftover Thanksgiving veg sits on the stove.

"Looking good, buddy," Caleb says as Paige hands him a beer.

"It's almost ready," says Sean and then Paige takes out an assortment of Chinese finger-foods from the oven and sets them on the dining room table which is laid out beautifully. We sit down and Sean serves the noodles as Paige urges us to help ourselves to the eggrolls and they smile at each other and I barely say a single thing.

Just as I am about to shove a forkful of noodles into my mouth, Sean asks who wants to say grace. I freeze and then panic as I glance at Hanna who is smirking at me like the teacher just said something that could be dirty. Paige rescues us and tells Sean to say grace himself. Hanna, Caleb and I avoid each other's gazes just in case we burst out laughing and I glance at Paige to see her trying not to laugh too. When Sean is done we all tuck in and exclaim over how good the food is.

Caleb and Sean start talking about business and I find out that Sean runs a company that buys and sells furniture through the Internet from home. I realise that might be why it was so easy for them to get trapped in Rosewood. Paige talks to Hanna about the process she went through to decorate her home and how she knew nothing about it when she started but is quite happy with the outcome. Hanna's been working as an interior designer so she knows what she's talking about and compliments Paige on her efforts.

I sit by myself and feel utterly out of place as the two couples talk shop and home and I have nothing to add. I look around Paige's house and see that she has indeed decorated it beautifully in modern tones and lines. The house feels warm and solid, a lot like my parent's does and nothing at all like my flat with my ex did. I look at Paige again and take in the way she presents herself in these situations – I don't look at the ways she is naturally beautiful because she can't control them - but I see how she's wearing her hair, the clothes she's wearing and her make-up. They are all very classically feminine – her hair is long and straight, she's wearing a cocktail dress and subtle pink tones on her face that are very Middle America.

I look at Sean and see how relaxed he is and then I see him reach over to hold Paige's hand and suddenly I feel sick to my stomach. My head starts to spin and I realise how hot it is in the dining room with all the food and people and I've had a couple glasses of wine already and I worry that I'm going to faint. I get up, excuse myself and rush to the bathroom where I drop to the floor and put my head between my legs to prevent myself from hyperventilating. I sit there for a few minutes until I hear a soft rapping at the door and try to pretend like I didn't hear it, assuming it's Paige. When Hanna's voice filters through I pick myself up and open the door for her. She walks in and we sit down on the floor together.

"What's going on with you, Em?" she asks in a voice that has always made me want to open up to her.

"I've been so stupid, Han. I keep thinking there's something between me and Paige and I've sort of been trying to impress her or seduce her somehow but now I feel sick with myself because she's straight and _married_. I didn't realise before what it actually meant when she said she was married but now I see them together and they're actually happy. I can't believe I was trying to make her cheat! Even if there is a connection between us, I shouldn't be trying to break up a marriage for God's sake."

"Oh, Emily. I didn't realise you still had a thing for her."

"I never stopped. Even when I was with Maya and then Samara it just never went away." I say, voicing something I've always tried to deny. I rest my head on Hanna's shoulder. She hugs me and we sit quietly for a minute while my heartbeat returns to normal.

"Well, Emily, you know what they say about the best way to get over someone…"

"…is to get under someone else?" I respond, knowing the routine. "Yeah, this time I don't think that'll help."

"I guess not. I don't know, maybe you need to start looking at her like the person she is now instead of the person you wished she was back then. They seem very happy even if I do think it's a bit weird and maybe you can actually get over her once you know her? You might find the real Paige less attractive than the Paige you have made in your head."

Sometimes Hanna is ditzy but often she is cleverest of the four of us. When it comes to relationships, she knows what she's talking about and the fact that she and Caleb are as happy as ever after 13 years is a testament to that. I splash my face and hope it isn't too obvious I've been crying before we go back into the dining room and Hanna explains that I am not feeling very well and need to go home. We apologise and reassure Sean that it's probably just from eating too much yesterday and drinking too much tonight and make our way to the front door. Caleb has gathered that something is up with me but is keeping the farce up like the good boyfriend/life partner that he is and he thanks Sean for dinner, promising to keep in touch better now.

As we walk out to the car, Paige stops us again one last time.

"Emily, before you go – I just realised I don't have your phone number. It'd be nice to see you again during the week if you're about?"

I look at Hanna for help and she gives Paige my phone number while I breathe in the cool night air and begin to process what Hanna said to me in the bathroom. She is right, I need to get to know this new Paige because it is the only way I will break down the construction of the old Paige in my head. After all, you can't stay in love with someone once you've realised they truly feel nothing for you, can you?

I sure hope not.


End file.
